dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Randomize
