So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
