A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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