I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
