im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize