I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize