He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Sext me about skeletons
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize