Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
