oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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