So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize