We're like a lot better than the average bears
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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