Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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