The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
