nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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