you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
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