How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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