he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
