just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
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