I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish you could order shots online.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Randomize
