My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
