I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
