Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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