I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize