I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
