Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Randomize
