i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
