I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
