She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
