I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Randomize
