youre lurking in front of me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
