tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
She needs sedatives and a leash
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize