I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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