no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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