I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
