My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
