you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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