You're completely useless in the revolution.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
