i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
