Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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