he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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