She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
