I'm so fucking centered right now
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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