can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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