I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
