she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
