you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Let's paint friendship bongs
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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