dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
