Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Randomize
