Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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