Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
