I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
