Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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