It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
