Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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