Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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